She was looking for Oz, I think... but our magic is the same.
[To a Grimm, he knew he looked little different from the Wizard. The beast's guttural growl of'Take the Wizard' still echoed with a bone shaking intensity in the back of his mind-- Oscar tried not to dwell on it when the nights were too dark...]
It's been over a week, Varian. [He explained in a tired tone, not wanting to admit openly that he was still fighting with the effects of major blood loss and the nagging effects of phantom limb discomfort. That leg had been the one injured in October, where the injuries didn't quite heal cleanly.
It was a small fortune that Oz had an enchanted scarf that helped speed healing and mitigate the pain. He kept it tied around the remaining stump as much as was possible.]
It's not perfect, but I can manage.
Mostly.
[Lies. He was still nervous to try the stairs without a spot.]
[Varian slowly, pointedly raises his eyebrows towards the screen. Oscar, please.]
Yeeeeeeeah, see that line would probably work on someone else, but I lost a leg too. I know it was like six months ago, but it wasn't long enough ago that I've forgotten how long it took to heal. A week is nothing. A week is still 'oh hey I can drag myself along on a stick but I might still pass out if I turn weird'. Also, outside is a mess- there's no way you can move through that without help.
[The man was a veritable Bad Luck Charm, but Oscar had such a fondness for him that he had finally started feeling comfortable with calling him 'Uncle.' It was strange to think about still.
Equally strange was the feedback loop he and Ozpin shared. They felt each other's discomfort and pain... And evidently when one of them was missing a limb. While Oz fought with his own strength and balance in reflection of Oscar's injury, Oscar had to fight with the frustrating presence of phantom limb sensations-- and it was distracting during his recovery process.
Still, some fundamental truths remained.]
We both know that I'm more athletic than you. I'm not gonna ask you to climb up the outside walls to get in.
...I can turn into a bird sometimes, if I try. It's the only magic I'm comfortable using, but I'm not sure how that would go with how everything is right now.
[Qrow had explained his situation with Varian in the labyrinth, what feels like a hundred years ago. It sounded like an impossibly difficult semblance to live with- to bring misfortune to yourself and everyone around you.
Varian still suffers from phantom limb pains- or an itch he literally can't scratch. He can't imagine how much that would be amplified when you're emotionally linked to someone with both legs. That's got to make a real mess of things. ]
Hah, yeah let's not. I do not have the requisite skills to scale walls.
...Hmm. I really don't want you hurting yourself worse than you already are. Don't overtax yourself on my account.
[He very almost adds "you've done enough of that already" but he manages to bite it back. ]
['Too late,' he had wanted to say, but he but back the dry, bitter retort in favor of releasing a heavy sigh. Oscar's shoulders sank with his frustration and exhaustion, for he knew that this was not going to be a simple conversation between the two of them.
They still had options. ]
We can either keep talking on the Fluids like this, or you can let me try something. Oz is gonna know-- but it's not hard, and I can be mobile with it.
[Talking on the Fluids is a last resort. It wouldn't be the first time Varians has had to bear his whole sad story on this thing, but he'd really rather do it in person if he can. At this point, Oscar deserves to hear it, face to face. He casts the feed a worried look, relenting. ]
Okay. Try it in your room first. If it hurts or causes you problems, stop and we'll just... do this over the Fluids.
[It was starting to become a familiar expression-- that look of worry that people regarded him with, where they wanted to say something but held back. Oscar attempted to offer a reassuring smile, but the result only looked tired. He was too young to look so burdened and wearied-- but that, too, was becoming a familiar state of being.]
It shouldn't be hard. I've done it by accident when I was in bad shape.
[The admission should not have been as casual as it was. If being tortured by Salem was not equivalent to his state in that moment, he didn't know what it was equal to.]
Besides. You've probably seen it somewhere else before.
Give me a few, okay?
[With that, he closed the feed off. He had windows to open, magics to reach for, gear to prepare...
Yet shifting his body into the tiny, flighted form came far more easily than he had expected. The draw on the shared reserves of magic was likewise negligible, and for a moment Oscar felt...
Free.
Several minutes after Oscar cut off the feed, Varian would find a slight tapping at his window. Outside, a saw whet owl, bright eyed and apparently one legged, sat patiently on the window ledge.]
That doesn't fill me with confidence, Oscar. But yeah... okay. Be careful, please.
[And so he'll wait, with every growing anxiety to see... well, whatever Oscar is going to do. He said he could turn into a bird. He knew Qrow could do that, and of course, back home there had been that magical tea with the same effects. It wasn't a completely alien concept to him.
He's still surprised by the little owl at his window anyway. The one-legged, obviously Oscar owl. Maybe his life is just accepting dark-haired people with poor decision-making skills with an affinity for owls are just... a thing. He walks over, opening the door to let Oscar hop in. ]
Well. You weren't kidding. You can sit on the bed- you probably need to.
[Or it could merely have been the fact that Oscar, in many ways, resembled an owl. He was wide eyed, impulsive and flighty, but also tended to unnerve the unaware with his presence. The Owl blinked up at Varian before fluttering off toward the bed in a puff of tawny feathers-- in the space of a blink he shifted back to being a Boy who gratefully took a seat upon the bed.
The soft orange flannel of his shirt was wrinkled from his general dissaray and state of recovery, and the loose fitting pants were firmly knotted on the remaining stump of his left leg to guard against drafts. Besides the crutches, which he had managed to bring along, the only obvious embellishments Oscar had made were a fresh piercing in the lobe of one of his ears, a green silken scarf wrapped around the still healing injury, and the subtle gloss of dark blue polish on his fingernails.
He was already learning alternative means of coping, evidently with the guidance of the very goth art teacher at the high school.
Oscar brushed his hair out of his face in a futile act, and tried to cast a wry smile for Varian. The effect only highlighted how young he was-- a boy of fourteen (almost fifteen!) who carried burdens of someone who had lived for centuries.]
I told you I'd make it, [he commented.] That, uh... Uncle Qrow helped me figure that one out.
Oscar's new look does get a slightly raised eyebrow- but hey, everyone deserves a chance to remake themselves if they want to. It's not like Varian hasn't done that himself before now. At least Oscar didn't draw a fake goatee on his chin. If it was helping him cope with the, quite frankly awful, experience of losing a limb, then Varian wouldn't judge.
He doesn't smile back, though- his face still pale and lined with worry. ]
...Yeah, I guess he would know. [His eyes drop down to the missing spot where the rest of Oscar's leg once was.] Have you had enough to help deal with the pain?
[Embarrassment and shame burned on his cheeks under Varian's worried gaze, and for a moment he couldn't look back at his friend. Ruby had already punched him for trying to take responsibility for what had happened, Gerry had already lectured him before Salem even arrived, and Ozpin...
Their connection made what had transpired that much more brutal.]
The scarf is something Oz got from Sodder a while back. It helps, a lot. Mostly it's been hard to getting used to all this...
... I'm just glad my knee doesn't hurt like it did anymore.
Yeah, losing the entire leg does solve that sort of problem.
[There's no humour in his tone. He pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling slowly- trying to keep hold of some measure of calm. There's still anger there- bubbling underneath it all.]
I can connect the dots here- memories back early, missing leg- two and two make four- but I need to know for sure anyway. Did you make a sacrifice? Is- is this [he gestures at the very missing space where Oscar's leg should have been] is this because of that?
[Oscar sobered as well, heart pounding in his ears and shoulders tensing while he prepared for the worst.]
... I did make a deal with Sodder to do that, [he confessed after a moment that felt like an eternity.] But she took so long taking it that I'm not sure it wouldn't have happened anyway once Salem showed up.
I made my choice regardless... And i know it was selfish.
[Varian buries his face in his hands, his voice coming out scratchy and strained. God fucking damnit. He knows, logically, that it's hypocritical for him to be angry. After all, he did this exact same thing for Fern. He didn't know what the sacrifice would be - but he made it willingly anyway.
But he's still angry- hypocritical or not. He's trying his best to not start shouting, and the effort is clear in his voice as he removes his hands to look at Oscar. ]
You don't- you don't even know what you sacrificed yourself for. You gave up a piece of yourself for- for nothing good. I'm not worth this.
[Oscar visibly flinched under the strained tone and the reprimand that Varian used in that instant. He had expected this-- and yet when faced with the all too familiar self loathing that he saw within Oz and felt within himself, Oscar knew he had to speak up. ]
Yes you are! Varian, I-I I like you. And I'm tired of watching the people I like get hurt!
[Varian hugs his arms around himself. Being back home, helping with Zhan Tiri, and his time here- he'd thought he was finally getting a handle on this. But having those memories gone, and then return in a sudden tidal wave... well, the self-loathing has come back strong again. ]
You don't know what you gave up your leg for.
[And he knows that's not Oscar's fault. He's always been so careful about who he trusts with his past and honestly, he knows he should have trusted Oscar with it a long time ago. But he didn't. And now they're here.]
I did terrible things, Oscar. I wasn't a good person.
[Oscar said quietly, fidgeting with the green scarf he had tied around his stump and hoping that whatever enchantment was allowing it to heal his wounds would be enough to help him stay calm in the face of whatever storm he saw brewing in the shadows in Varian's eyes.]
Big ones, sometimes. And, bad people?
[Briefly he thought of Ironwood, how the man built with the aggression of a tank had gently carried him through the woods near Lake Tomie after the attack, destined for Ozpin's mansion. He remembered the strange tenderness in which Ironwood had handled him despite the edges of panic that he had recognized from their terrible meeting in the Vault-- with Oscar on the wrong side of Due Process.]
Bad people sometimes do good things. Life isn't as clean as you're making it.
I know they do. And I know people can learn from their mistakes and do better from them.
[He is, at least, at a point where he can say that and actually believe it. It's taken him a while, and he knows he's nowhere near healed yet. He's not even in the general neighbourhood of getting healed. But he's aware and that's... something.]
That's why I said wasn't. But the memories you gave your leg up for weren't good ones. Not ones worth losing a limb over. [He exhales, moving to sit in his chair by the bead heavily, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand.] But that's one me. I should have told you a long time ago.
Those memories are a part of you-- and I could see how upset you were by not knowing why your life is as it is.
[He regarded Varian with a firm, level look-- as if daring the other boy to suggest that living knowing there was a part of you missing that couldn't be recovered was worth the pain that came with it.]
...I don't know the details, and you don't have to tell me if it's too painful. But, living without knowing why?
[Oscar shook his head, knowing from the infinite depths of the thousands of years of memories and feelings that he could touch just how dangerous a life of half-truths could be.]
It's no way to live. No one should have to live like that.
[Varian... doesn't argue. His shoulders sag and he heaves out a sigh, staring at the ground.]
I was. Upset. What I went through changed me. A lot of it was for the worse, but it wasn't all bad, I learned from it too. It's not- it's not black and white.
[Because it did a considerable number on his psyche, too. It left wounds that are only just starting to heal over- wounds that have left considerable scars on him. As much as he wishes he could have taken everything he did back, he knows that he wouldn't be the person he is today if he hadn't done what he'd done. ]
But it would have come back eventually. This sort of thing never lasts wrong.
[Sounds defeated already though, he knows that's a stupid argument. He could have left Fern get his memories back naturally, but he didn't. He moves his gaze to his prosthetic, tapping it on the floor.]
But I guess I know what it's like to not what someone you care about to go through that. Even if you know it'll end anyway.
[Oscar said in protest, despite suspecting that his attempt at offering space and time wouldn't be accepted.]
I like you, Varian. A lot.
I've liked you for a long time, and nothing you can say will change that. It still was my choice-- I guess I needed to try to take back some of the control we lost in this dream.
I chose to not sit and just watch someone I care about suffer anymore.
[He listens to what Oscar has to say and he doesn't have an argument to it. He hates it. He knows that Oscar has lost a piece of himself, possibly forever, in order to help him and it doesn't sit well. But then, Fern had hated it when he'd learned Varian had done the same thing.
It was like karma had come calling. ]
It's not that I don't appreciate what you've done for me, I just- I wish Sodder had taken something else as payment. Because now you're going to deal with this for the rest of your time here.
[He moves to sit back in his seat, staring at the ceiling.]
There's a very good chance you're gonna regret it once we're done.
[Oscar cast Varian a firm, unwavering look before shifting aside and patting the bedding next to him. This clearly was going to be a long discussion on both of their parts, and there was no need for either of them to be needlessly uncomfortable during it.]
I've already made bad choices, and I have my own regrets, [he added quietly.]
Every decision I made in Atlas led to people being hurt, and I've made plenty decisions here that did the same. This, though? Isn't one of them.
I bet none of your choices were made to purposefully hurt people, though.
[He heaves out a sigh, moving to sit next to Oscar on the bed. He stares down at that missing leg again, before focusing on the ceiling once more. Okay. Here we go.]
So. This can get bogged down with... magic stuff that I don't want to get into. The important thing to know is that there were two magical artefacts back home. They were once together but separated when they came to earth- but each had an effect on the other. My father used to protect one of them- it destroyed his kingdom and he was sworn to always keep the secret about what it could do. I never knew anything about any of this - he didn't tell me. That part's... well, it's not an excuse, but it's still important.
[Would things have gone as far as they did if he knew about the moonstone right away? He doesn't know.]
[There was no lie in Varian's words. Nothing Oscar had done was with the intent to truly hurt anyone-- his only aim had been to help prevent disaster.
And, he had failed.
But Oscar listened regardless, and was once more struck by the similarities between Varian's world and his.]
...Artifacts of immense power that are kept secret? That sounds a lot like the Relics Oz made. They're held in secret in each of the kingdoms.... and people have died over trying to possess them. It's... bad.
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Video
[To a Grimm, he knew he looked little different from the Wizard. The beast's guttural growl of'Take the Wizard' still echoed with a bone shaking intensity in the back of his mind-- Oscar tried not to dwell on it when the nights were too dark...]
It's been over a week, Varian. [He explained in a tired tone, not wanting to admit openly that he was still fighting with the effects of major blood loss and the nagging effects of phantom limb discomfort. That leg had been the one injured in October, where the injuries didn't quite heal cleanly.
It was a small fortune that Oz had an enchanted scarf that helped speed healing and mitigate the pain. He kept it tied around the remaining stump as much as was possible.]
It's not perfect, but I can manage.
Mostly.
[Lies. He was still nervous to try the stairs without a spot.]
Video
[Varian slowly, pointedly raises his eyebrows towards the screen. Oscar, please.]
Yeeeeeeeah, see that line would probably work on someone else, but I lost a leg too. I know it was like six months ago, but it wasn't long enough ago that I've forgotten how long it took to heal. A week is nothing. A week is still 'oh hey I can drag myself along on a stick but I might still pass out if I turn weird'. Also, outside is a mess- there's no way you can move through that without help.
So you wanna try that one again?
Video
[The man was a veritable Bad Luck Charm, but Oscar had such a fondness for him that he had finally started feeling comfortable with calling him 'Uncle.' It was strange to think about still.
Equally strange was the feedback loop he and Ozpin shared. They felt each other's discomfort and pain... And evidently when one of them was missing a limb. While Oz fought with his own strength and balance in reflection of Oscar's injury, Oscar had to fight with the frustrating presence of phantom limb sensations-- and it was distracting during his recovery process.
Still, some fundamental truths remained.]
We both know that I'm more athletic than you. I'm not gonna ask you to climb up the outside walls to get in.
...I can turn into a bird sometimes, if I try. It's the only magic I'm comfortable using, but I'm not sure how that would go with how everything is right now.
Video
[Qrow had explained his situation with Varian in the labyrinth, what feels like a hundred years ago. It sounded like an impossibly difficult semblance to live with- to bring misfortune to yourself and everyone around you.
Varian still suffers from phantom limb pains- or an itch he literally can't scratch. He can't imagine how much that would be amplified when you're emotionally linked to someone with both legs. That's got to make a real mess of things. ]
Hah, yeah let's not. I do not have the requisite skills to scale walls.
...Hmm. I really don't want you hurting yourself worse than you already are. Don't overtax yourself on my account.
[He very almost adds "you've done enough of that already" but he manages to bite it back. ]
Video
They still had options. ]
We can either keep talking on the Fluids like this, or you can let me try something. Oz is gonna know-- but it's not hard, and I can be mobile with it.
Video
Okay. Try it in your room first. If it hurts or causes you problems, stop and we'll just... do this over the Fluids.
Video -> Action.
It shouldn't be hard. I've done it by accident when I was in bad shape.
[The admission should not have been as casual as it was. If being tortured by Salem was not equivalent to his state in that moment, he didn't know what it was equal to.]
Besides. You've probably seen it somewhere else before.
Give me a few, okay?
[With that, he closed the feed off. He had windows to open, magics to reach for, gear to prepare...
Yet shifting his body into the tiny, flighted form came far more easily than he had expected. The draw on the shared reserves of magic was likewise negligible, and for a moment Oscar felt...
Free.
Several minutes after Oscar cut off the feed, Varian would find a slight tapping at his window. Outside, a saw whet owl, bright eyed and apparently one legged, sat patiently on the window ledge.]
Action.
[And so he'll wait, with every growing anxiety to see... well, whatever Oscar is going to do. He said he could turn into a bird. He knew Qrow could do that, and of course, back home there had been that magical tea with the same effects. It wasn't a completely alien concept to him.
He's still surprised by the little owl at his window anyway. The one-legged, obviously Oscar owl. Maybe his life is just accepting dark-haired people with poor decision-making skills with an affinity for owls are just... a thing. He walks over, opening the door to let Oscar hop in. ]
Well. You weren't kidding. You can sit on the bed- you probably need to.
Action.
The soft orange flannel of his shirt was wrinkled from his general dissaray and state of recovery, and the loose fitting pants were firmly knotted on the remaining stump of his left leg to guard against drafts. Besides the crutches, which he had managed to bring along, the only obvious embellishments Oscar had made were a fresh piercing in the lobe of one of his ears, a green silken scarf wrapped around the still healing injury, and the subtle gloss of dark blue polish on his fingernails.
He was already learning alternative means of coping, evidently with the guidance of the very goth art teacher at the high school.
Oscar brushed his hair out of his face in a futile act, and tried to cast a wry smile for Varian. The effect only highlighted how young he was-- a boy of fourteen (almost fifteen!) who carried burdens of someone who had lived for centuries.]
I told you I'd make it, [he commented.] That, uh... Uncle Qrow helped me figure that one out.
action forever
Oscar's new look does get a slightly raised eyebrow- but hey, everyone deserves a chance to remake themselves if they want to. It's not like Varian hasn't done that himself before now. At least Oscar didn't draw a fake goatee on his chin. If it was helping him cope with the, quite frankly awful, experience of losing a limb, then Varian wouldn't judge.
He doesn't smile back, though- his face still pale and lined with worry. ]
...Yeah, I guess he would know. [His eyes drop down to the missing spot where the rest of Oscar's leg once was.] Have you had enough to help deal with the pain?
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Their connection made what had transpired that much more brutal.]
The scarf is something Oz got from Sodder a while back. It helps, a lot. Mostly it's been hard to getting used to all this...
... I'm just glad my knee doesn't hurt like it did anymore.
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[There's no humour in his tone. He pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling slowly- trying to keep hold of some measure of calm. There's still anger there- bubbling underneath it all.]
I can connect the dots here- memories back early, missing leg- two and two make four- but I need to know for sure anyway. Did you make a sacrifice? Is- is this [he gestures at the very missing space where Oscar's leg should have been] is this because of that?
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... I did make a deal with Sodder to do that, [he confessed after a moment that felt like an eternity.] But she took so long taking it that I'm not sure it wouldn't have happened anyway once Salem showed up.
I made my choice regardless... And i know it was selfish.
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[Varian buries his face in his hands, his voice coming out scratchy and strained. God fucking damnit. He knows, logically, that it's hypocritical for him to be angry. After all, he did this exact same thing for Fern. He didn't know what the sacrifice would be - but he made it willingly anyway.
But he's still angry- hypocritical or not. He's trying his best to not start shouting, and the effort is clear in his voice as he removes his hands to look at Oscar. ]
You don't- you don't even know what you sacrificed yourself for. You gave up a piece of yourself for- for nothing good. I'm not worth this.
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Yes you are! Varian, I-I I like you. And I'm tired of watching the people I like get hurt!
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You don't know what you gave up your leg for.
[And he knows that's not Oscar's fault. He's always been so careful about who he trusts with his past and honestly, he knows he should have trusted Oscar with it a long time ago. But he didn't. And now they're here.]
I did terrible things, Oscar. I wasn't a good person.
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[Oscar said quietly, fidgeting with the green scarf he had tied around his stump and hoping that whatever enchantment was allowing it to heal his wounds would be enough to help him stay calm in the face of whatever storm he saw brewing in the shadows in Varian's eyes.]
Big ones, sometimes. And, bad people?
[Briefly he thought of Ironwood, how the man built with the aggression of a tank had gently carried him through the woods near Lake Tomie after the attack, destined for Ozpin's mansion. He remembered the strange tenderness in which Ironwood had handled him despite the edges of panic that he had recognized from their terrible meeting in the Vault-- with Oscar on the wrong side of Due Process.]
Bad people sometimes do good things. Life isn't as clean as you're making it.
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[He is, at least, at a point where he can say that and actually believe it. It's taken him a while, and he knows he's nowhere near healed yet. He's not even in the general neighbourhood of getting healed. But he's aware and that's... something.]
That's why I said wasn't. But the memories you gave your leg up for weren't good ones. Not ones worth losing a limb over. [He exhales, moving to sit in his chair by the bead heavily, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand.] But that's one me. I should have told you a long time ago.
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[He regarded Varian with a firm, level look-- as if daring the other boy to suggest that living knowing there was a part of you missing that couldn't be recovered was worth the pain that came with it.]
...I don't know the details, and you don't have to tell me if it's too painful. But, living without knowing why?
[Oscar shook his head, knowing from the infinite depths of the thousands of years of memories and feelings that he could touch just how dangerous a life of half-truths could be.]
It's no way to live. No one should have to live like that.
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I was. Upset. What I went through changed me. A lot of it was for the worse, but it wasn't all bad, I learned from it too. It's not- it's not black and white.
[Because it did a considerable number on his psyche, too. It left wounds that are only just starting to heal over- wounds that have left considerable scars on him. As much as he wishes he could have taken everything he did back, he knows that he wouldn't be the person he is today if he hadn't done what he'd done. ]
But it would have come back eventually. This sort of thing never lasts wrong.
[Sounds defeated already though, he knows that's a stupid argument. He could have left Fern get his memories back naturally, but he didn't. He moves his gaze to his prosthetic, tapping it on the floor.]
But I guess I know what it's like to not what someone you care about to go through that. Even if you know it'll end anyway.
[He sucks in a deep breath.]
It's fine. I'm ready to tell you.
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[Oscar said in protest, despite suspecting that his attempt at offering space and time wouldn't be accepted.]
I like you, Varian. A lot.
I've liked you for a long time, and nothing you can say will change that. It still was my choice-- I guess I needed to try to take back some of the control we lost in this dream.
I chose to not sit and just watch someone I care about suffer anymore.
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[He listens to what Oscar has to say and he doesn't have an argument to it. He hates it. He knows that Oscar has lost a piece of himself, possibly forever, in order to help him and it doesn't sit well. But then, Fern had hated it when he'd learned Varian had done the same thing.
It was like karma had come calling. ]
It's not that I don't appreciate what you've done for me, I just- I wish Sodder had taken something else as payment. Because now you're going to deal with this for the rest of your time here.
[He moves to sit back in his seat, staring at the ceiling.]
There's a very good chance you're gonna regret it once we're done.
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[Oscar cast Varian a firm, unwavering look before shifting aside and patting the bedding next to him. This clearly was going to be a long discussion on both of their parts, and there was no need for either of them to be needlessly uncomfortable during it.]
I've already made bad choices, and I have my own regrets, [he added quietly.]
Every decision I made in Atlas led to people being hurt, and I've made plenty decisions here that did the same. This, though? Isn't one of them.
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[He heaves out a sigh, moving to sit next to Oscar on the bed. He stares down at that missing leg again, before focusing on the ceiling once more. Okay. Here we go.]
So. This can get bogged down with... magic stuff that I don't want to get into. The important thing to know is that there were two magical artefacts back home. They were once together but separated when they came to earth- but each had an effect on the other. My father used to protect one of them- it destroyed his kingdom and he was sworn to always keep the secret about what it could do. I never knew anything about any of this - he didn't tell me. That part's... well, it's not an excuse, but it's still important.
[Would things have gone as far as they did if he knew about the moonstone right away? He doesn't know.]
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And, he had failed.
But Oscar listened regardless, and was once more struck by the similarities between Varian's world and his.]
...Artifacts of immense power that are kept secret? That sounds a lot like the Relics Oz made. They're held in secret in each of the kingdoms.... and people have died over trying to possess them. It's... bad.
What happened?
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tw: suicide
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